|Duke Onkled Harkinian|
|Name||Duke Onkled Harkinian|
|Appearances||Zelda: Wand of Gamelon, YouTube Poop|
|Enemies||King Harkinian, Zelda|
|Relatives||Joseph Harkinian (father, deceased), Alma Harkinian (daughter, deceased), John Harkinian (cousin), Eric Harkinian (brother)|
|Favorite Things||Mercy, his key|
|Embodied Personalities||Duke Onkled Nukem|
Onkled Harkinian (1956–2060) is the traitorous and cowardly duke of Gamelon, a son of Joseph Harkinian, the father of Lady Alma, a cousin of King John Harkinian, and a friend of Fari. Just to spite King Harkinian, he joined P.I.N.G.A.S.
Duke Onkled was born somewhere in Karadoi on September 11, 1956 to Joseph Harkinian and an unknown mother. His father became king of Hyrule in 1967, so he took Duke Onkled to Gamelon, where he studied business at Abnormal School. As a young man, he accidentally impregnated Gana. He would fail to win custody of their daughter, Alma, until Gana became so annoyed with her that she gave her up. Later, in 1993, he betrayed the King and joined Ganon, but Ganon was defeated, and Duke Onkled was condemned to 9,000 months of floor-scrubbing, among other punishments. He also started the Duke Onkled Wars at some point.
During the Form Wars, Duke Onkled conspired with Fari to assassinate King Harkinian, hoping that a form takeover of Hyrule would free him from his floor-scrubbing sentence. This failed, as Hyrule still ended up on the winning side of the war. Evil Link later employed Duke Onkled as a spy, noting that his duty to scrub all the floors in Hyrule gave him an excuse to be in nearly any place in the country at any time. Link eventually reduced Duke Onkled's sentence to forty years, the approximate amount of time it takes to scrub all the floors in Hyrule once, and Duke Onkled was finally allowed to quit scrubbing floors in 2033. After Duke Onkled died in 2060, the deceased Evil Link appointed him as his successor as Mah Boi and forced him to aid him in his efforts to take over the pit.
Request for Mercy
In 2008, Duke Onkled formally applied to King Harkinian for mercy in the form of parole from his floor-scrubbing duties. Fari took him to Hyrule Castle, where the King issued him a list of punishments he would have to complete before he could qualify:
- Scrubbing all the floors in Hyrule
- Scrubbing all the floors in Gamelon (redundant, as Gamelon is part of Hyrule)
- Rubbing oil on the King's dong
- Taking Link out for dinner
- Ordering pizza
- Saving four pieces of pizza for the King
- Eating poop
- Protecting Zelda's boobies
- Helping the King pee in the morning
- Going on a diet
- Eating an octorok's dong
- F--king himself
- Doing the duck walk
- Masturbating on Ganon's face
- Pleasing all the plumbers in the Mushroom Kingdom
Believe it or not, Duke Onkled managed to complete all of his tasks in a month. Of course, the King still denied him any mercy.
Duke Onkled is a wimp, unable to hurt anyone or defend himself. In fact, some have questioned whether he willingly joined Ganon or only did so out of fear—not that the King would change his mind about giving him mercy if the latter was the case. He is also one of the most notorious perverts in Hyrule, however, and his horniness occasionally overpowers his cowardice. For example, he will sometimes brazenly request sexual services from the King while the King is in the middle of prosecuting him for his most recent crimes.
Despite being pathetic in most aspects of his life, Duke Onkled is considered to have the funkiest dance moves of any living elf. He also owns a popular restaurant chain, Duke Onkled's Diner, which means he's not a total failure after all. He's a terrible cook, though, even burning himself in his restaurant's commercials.
Relations with Other Characters
Duke Onkled is usually terrified of King Harkinian, who has never forgiven him for his betrayal. Other times, however, he is attracted to the King, and he even held him captive as part of a twisted sex game once.
Disturbingly, Duke Onkled is also obsessed with King Harkinian's daughter, Zelda, and he once begged her to have sex with him. He later tried a more subtle approach by asking the King to set them up on a date, but the King didn't cooperate.
- He lives in Dodomai Palace.
- He has too many rings.
- He owns the biggest key in the world.
- He was arrested for invading the king's house, attacking Zelda, and joining Ganon.
- In turn, he had the King arrested for killing Hectan.
- He once claimed to be gay, but this seems to be false, as he once tried to seduce Zelda.
- Ganon ate his penis for dinner. Ouch.
- Hagrad washes his back at 4:05 AM every day.