May 3, 1960: Tried to give himself poison oak. Failed because there were no trees for miles.
November 9, 1965: Tried to drown himself. Failed because there were no bodies of water for miles, and there were no swimming pools either.
March 9, 1971: Tried jumping off a cliff. Failed due to his ability to swim in air.
December 21, 1972: Tried hanging. Instead got electrocuted.
December 22, 1972: Tried electrocution. Instead got hanged.
December 23, 1972: Tried unplugging hospital equipment. Failed due to paralysis.
March 29, 1973: Tried angering Chuck Norris. Failed because Chuck Norris has a sense of humor.
November 11, 1978: Tried asphyxiating himself with a plastic bag. Failed because he found some crack cocain at the bottom and decided to stop and snort it.
December 1, 1978: Tried asphyxiating himself again, this time by snorting crack cocain until his nostrils were clogged. Failed because he could still breathe through his mouth.
December 2, 1978: Retried the previous method, now with his mouth gagged. Failed due to his ability to breathe through his ears.
December 15, 1978: Tried overdosing on heroin. Failed because Boshi came and sucked all the heroin out of him.
December 30, 1979: Tried stretching his arms out. Succeeded. However, he went to the hospital.
March 22, 1981: Tried crucifying himself. Succeeded, but the villagers living nearby got tired of listening to his cries of pain and took him down.
July 5, 1989: Tried the previous method again. Failed because all Morshu Marts had just closed down due to the Hylian Market Crash.
November 26, 1990: Went to the Mushroom Kingdom and trash-talked Princess Toadstool in front of the biggest group of Mushroomers he could find. Failed because most of the Mushroomers agreed with him, causing the Mushroom Civil War.
October 11, 1993: Tried to poison himself after the release of Link: Faces of Evil. Failed because tomato juice isn't poisonous.