I'm going to bomb myself.

King Harkinian has tried to kill himself before. This is just a list.


February 16, 1958: The king wanted dinner (the first sign of a meme), but he was denied, so he tried running into a street. Failed because there were no cars in Hyrule yet.

May 3, 1960: Tried to give himself poison oak. Failed because there were no trees for miles.

November 9, 1965: Tried to drown himself. Failed because there were no bodies of water for miles, and there were no swimming pools either.

September 17, 1969: Tried to burn himself. Failed due to a new policy saying that every house has to have a pool.

March 9, 1971: Tried jumping off a cliff. Failed due to his ability to swim in air.

October 10, 1972: Tried to get AIDS. Failed because nobody in Hyrule had AIDS (at least not until 1985).

December 21, 1972: Tried hanging. Instead got electrocuted.

December 22, 1972: Tried electrocution. Instead got hanged.

December 23, 1972: Tried unplugging hospital equipment. Failed due to paralysis.

March 29, 1973: Tried angering Chuck Norris. Failed because Chuck Norris has a sense of humor.

April 17, 1974: Tried hanging again. Failed because the rope he used was a rental, and Morshu had it repossessed before it finished strangling him.

November 11, 1978: Tried asphyxiating himself with a plastic bag. Failed because he found some crack cocain at the bottom and decided to stop and snort it.

December 1, 1978: Tried asphyxiating himself again, this time by snorting crack cocain until his nostrils were clogged. Failed because he could still breathe through his mouth.

December 2, 1978: Retried the previous method, now with his mouth gagged. Failed due to his ability to breathe through his ears.

December 15, 1978: Tried overdosing on heroin. Failed because Boshi came and sucked all the heroin out of him.

December 30, 1979: Tried stretching his arms out. Succeeded. However, he went to the hospital.

April 18, 1980: Went out to the middle of the Hyrule Desert without telling anyone, intending to die of dehydration and/or hunger. Failed because a plane loaded with food and water crashed nearby.

March 22, 1981: Tried crucifying himself. Succeeded, but the villagers living nearby got tired of listening to his cries of pain and took him down.

August 8, 1981: Wandered into the Baker's kitchen, hoping to get burned to death. Failed because Hurricane Zelda doused the whole area in a tsunami.

June 21, 1989: Tried buying exactly $1,295.31 worth of stuff at Morshu Mart, hoping the bill would give him a stroke. Failed because he forgot to take sales tax into account.

July 5, 1989: Tried the previous method again. Failed because all Morshu Marts had just closed down due to the Hylian Market Crash.

November 26, 1990: Went to the Mushroom Kingdom and trash-talked Princess Toadstool in front of the biggest group of Mushroomers he could find. Failed because most of the Mushroomers agreed with him, causing the Mushroom Civil War.

September 2, 1992: Tried telling Stone Luigi his football was a stone, hoping Stone Luigi would throw it at him. Failed because he was actually talking to Idiotic Luigi, who just got confused.

October 11, 1993: Tried to poison himself after the release of Link: Faces of Evil. Failed because tomato juice isn't poisonous.

April 1, 1997: Tried to overdose on Taco Bell after his impeachment as president of the United States. Failed, although he did get diarrhea.

February 9, 2013: Tried going to Gamelon to anger Ganon. Failed because Link saved him.

November 22, 2013: Tried going back in time to 1963 to take the bullet that killed John F. Kennedy. Failed because Interrupting Luigi knocked him out of the way.

See Also

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