John Harbanno (1955–2017), better known by his pseudonyms John the Baker, John Baker, The Baker, or George, is a fat Gamelonian baker who sells very flammable cakes, much to his dismay. He is the owner of John's Bakery, and since 2010, he has appeared in commercials.
John—named by his parents after the newborn John Harkinian—was born somewhere in Gamelon in mid-1955. As a young man, he was drafted into the Hylian army to fight in the Hylian Civil War. He was caught in a bomb blast at some point during the war, which resulted in a slide whistle becoming lodged in his pelvis as a piece of shrapnel. (Now you know why he makes that noise whenever he leaves the screen.) Decades later, in an effort to solve Hyrule's food shortages during the Form Wars, he created gray spaghetti. This spaghetti turned out to be highly toxic, however, and Gay Luigi killed him during the Great Eluryhian Offensive for tarnishing the food's public image.
The Baker is a fat elf with orange hair and a pink nose similar to Wario's, possibly indicating a relation between the two. He usually wears a white chef's hat and sometimes sells bricks when he runs out of food.
- "My cakes will burn!"
- "Oh, my cakes!"
- "It's awful!"
- "Come see my cakes!"
- "It's so crappy I could turn gay!"
- "Pelvic.... THRUST!"