- He wrecks his entire house whenever birds get inside.
- He thinks poop is a beverage, and he once went to Japan just so he could drink King Harkinian's poop.
- He doesn't want any of your Twizzlers.
- "I'm here about your Colgate toothpaste. The one with tartar control. It made me feel like a piece of s--t!"
- "Who wrinkled my Randy Travis poster, p---ed in the seat, and hid my keys?"
- "Let me tell you about a porcupine's balls. They're small, and they don't give a s--t!"
- "You're 93 years old and you don't know what ALF is?!"
- "F--k salt!"
- "Bob Saget!"
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