Uction crystals

A close-up of some uction crystals.

"This shipt is the greatest stuff in existence."

- Gwonam

Uctions is a white or clear crystalloid material mentioned in the Enclosed Instruction Book, stated to have extraordinary power over those who have access to it. It is sometimes referred to as the physical form of "passive serenity". It is said that only the YouTube Poopers with "the truest of hearts" are able to access it, as well as the Seven Warriors of Poop.

​Physical Properties

Uctions essentially come in clear or white crystals in the shape of cubes, except that they have rounded edges. They bear a heavy resemblance to salt and sugar, although the taste is drastically different (it's said to be a dull mix of combination of baby powder, lead, and human blood).

Uctions usually melt upon contact with water, and may explode when placed inside soda or when burned. Due to this property, some people who inexplicably gained access to the stuff have made attempts to make it into an explosive similar to gunpowder. Most of the people who tried to do this have died, while the remained were severely injured.

Uctions usually have a horrible, yet fascinating, reaction to anti-uctions. When uction crystals mix with anti-uction crystals, they will catch fire and create an enormous green flame, which then turns white, then blue, then finally rainbow-colored, until everything nearby explodes and melts. Anyone who inhales the fumes of the fusion usually ends up very ill, and tests have proven that the fumes created from this reaction can actually lower one's intelligence.


Uctions are said to wield extraordinary power over those who use or consume them, and are often said to the most powerful substance in the universe, and that variations of them exist all over the multiverse. When distributed to the average person, they will usually calm them down and temporarily make them more intelligent than usual. However, if handled improperly, they may cause people to spontaneously combust.

When distributed to someone with a large amount of mental, intellectual, moral, physical, or other form of strength, they will immediately cause said person to become far more powerful in these areas. Finally, it is said that when they are given to one of the Seven Warriors of Poop, they will immediately gain godlike powers and a "mind of steel".  


According to the Enclosed Instruction Book, uctions are usually distributed completely at random, and are scattered in random pockets all over the universe. It is said that life on Eluryh managed to survive only due to the abundant amount of uctions in the crust and mantle.

Uctions mostly come in the form of ore, fused with graphite, calcium, or lead, or in the form of dust. Sometimes they can be found in the underwater areas of riverbanks mixed with dirt or gold. However, uctions can be found in their natural form in groundwater, and it can sometimes be gushed up in geysers. 

​Attempts to Create Synthetic Uctions

Alchemists have made attempts to create artificial uctions for centuries, although 9,999 out of 10,001 of these attempts have resulted in these people getting directly or indirectly killed. About 4,000 of these deaths are caused by unexpected explosions or the alchemist's house burning down, while another 900 of these is caused by them getting poisoned due oversights on certain factors.

As uctions were, and still are, extremely popular, many people were willing to do anything to get them, even if it meant resorting to criminal action. Hundreds of thousands of deaths have resulted from people's attempts to steal or forge uctions. Many of the criminals that managed to get away with it were killed by the faulty uctions setting them on fire or poisoning them.

While attempts to create artificial uctions have dwindled down in the past 20 years, there are still some companies devoted to either creating genuine uctions for scientific use, or creating phony uctions to sell to whatever schmuck would be stupid enough to buy them. There are currently three groups dedicated entirely to making uctions: LifeCo, Uction Generation, and Uctions4U.

​Confusion with Other Substances

Due to its "rather generic look", a lot of substances have been confused with uctions, and many of these substances have even been used to forge uctions for a cheap buck. Some of these substances include:

  • Cum. In 2009, a man named Irving McHamylthon visited a house and noticed large amounts of white fluid. He hastily and erroneously assumed that this was some liquidized form of uctions, and spread this ridiculous news as far as South Park, Colorado. Surprisingly, many people fell for it until a man named Randy Marsh noticed that "this [was] cum". Irving McHamylton was later arrested for forcing thousands of people to drink jizz.
  • Cocaine and Bath Salts.​ Some have said that cocaine and bath salts were both failed attempts by Hylian alchemists to create artificial uctions. Naturally, this had some pretty horrifying results, and even after laws were passed restricting this dangerous substance, many people still confuse the highly dangerous materials with actions, in spite of the fact that these things have effects that are far more similar to that of anti-uctions.
  • ​Baby Powder. ​At one point in time, Margaret Meen, a distance aunt of I.M. Meen, thought she had discovered a special form of uctions found in her baby powder, and began eating tons of the stuff. It turns out that she just had some pretty bad baby powder, and Margaret Meen eventually died of lead poisoning.
  • ​Sugar.​ Sugar is a very popular and very powerful substance, and one of the key components in the process of cell respiration. Sugar crystal also look almost exactly like uctions under a microscope. Of course, despite many, many claims, sugar is not the same thing as uctions.
  • ​Salt. ​Many people have idiotically confused pure salt for uctions, causing them to eat huge amounts of salt until they died of dehydration. Many have also made attempts to create uctions out of salt, but these have usually failed, instead causing these amateur alchemists to die due to sodium poisoning.
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